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Dear Bolu,
Around this time of the year, loads of gifts exchange hands—from Santa to kids, from husbands to girlfriends, and from uncles to nephews. For both the giver and the receiver, gifts are interesting things and they are usually accompanied by heterogeneous emotions. It is often said that "it is better to give than to receive", and while that may be true, it is important to note that both parties to the gift contract are necessary. None is more supreme than the other, as none exist without the other.
Why do we give gifts? This is for the giver to answer, and if he is honest with himself, his response could be one or a combination of a couple of things. A gift could be an attempt to appreciate the receiver. In some way, this could be seen as a reward, say if the receiver has done something laudable like acing her mid-terms or slaying a gorgon. In another way, we may be appreciating the receiver for no particular feat or triumph. We may be appreciating them just for being—and well, being in itself is quite extraordinary. “I got you this blue French horn because I thought you'd like it”. A gift could also be given because we think the receiver needs it and we are willing to make sacrifices to get it to them. “Here's the company and comfort of my shoulders; you need something to lean on, after all”.
Those are all wonderfully noble motivations for giving a gift, but there are other less noble, possibly corrupt ones. We could give gifts because we consider them obligatory or to avoid the consequences of not giving the gift. “If I don't get him this Akatsuki costume, I won't hear the half of it”. “People would think I'm mean if I don't participate in Secret Santa and I can't be seen in such light because I'm desperate for this promotion”. We could also share gifts to reciprocate a gesture from the receiver. “For my birthday she got me a golf ball signed by legendary golfer, Tiger Woods, so I must get her something similarly awesome”. In the same vein, we could give gifts to motivate the receiver to give us a financially superior or generally more impressive gift. “I'll get him this golf ball signed by legendary golfer, Tiger Woods, so that his gift to me would be something as majestic as a spaceship”. When we give, either one or more of these thoughts motivate us. Of course, they don't make us bad people. They just make us...people.
As the receiver, if we accept the gift there is usually one question; how do I respond to this gesture? Usually, we express gratitude for the gift. “Thank you so much for this Barbie-themed lunch box”. However, depending on our assessment of the quality/aptness of the gift, our response can go from a simple "Thanks bro" to a "Holy Sh*t! This is the original Sorting Hat from the Harry Potter movies. I've always wanted this, you're the best!". While some gifts make us leap for joy, others make for misty eyes. And when we receive any such gifts, we are overly dramatic—either speechless or verbose—in our response. We are deeply touched. We are delighted.
Sometimes, however, we receive gifts that we consider "subpar". “With all the money in your bank account, are you telling me you can't afford a trip to Dubai and that I should instead go to Ikogosi Springs?” In such cases, we may feign elation and fake delight just so the giver won't feel bad or simply hide our true feelings. "I love this 80s Reggae mix you made for me". Meanwhile, we're disappointed. We are not genuine about our feelings towards the giver and the gift. It is often said about gifts that it is the thought that matters. Well, sometimes that is impossibly difficult to accept. I suppose the thought doesn't matter in isolation. We naturally appreciate some gifts more than others, and it can't be helped. As such, both the thought and the gift itself matter.
There is a bit more to be said about the giver. Another thought that motivates our desire to give is selfishness. You might ask; do selfish people give? Yes, they do, especially if it strokes their ego, gives them an inflated sense of self, and endears them to the public. When selfishness is the motivation, we may feel strongly tempted to show off our good deeds. Unable to resist that temptation, we may go out of our way to give elaborate details about our generous endeavours. “I just gave this orphanage 2million naira and I'm just getting started”. This could be accompanied by high-resolution images that highlight the abjectness of the orphanage and emphasize the impact of your altruistic gesture. Similarly, when we receive certain gifts, there is a compulsion to boast about them. I mean—we want some things given to us as gifts just because we want to brag about them or rub them in the faces of others. That is selfishness on the part of the receiver. Of course, this doesn't mean that all public displays of gifts are motivated by the giver or receiver's selfishness—it only means it's possible that that's the case.
Well.
The following lines are taken from Jay-Z's third verse on Nickels and Dimes,
"And just for clarity, my presence is charity
My flow is a gift, philanthropist
Everybody 'round me rich, or will be
Baby boy I promise you this, or kill me
And when a nigga go as the old adage go
You die rich or you die disgraced, so just let me grow
Watch me cook, throw no looks
Like Magic in his prime when Kareem sky hooked
Y'all not worthy, sometimes I feel like
Y'all don't deserve me, my flow unearthly
The greatest form of giving is anonymous to anonymous
So here y'all go, I promise this"
-Nickels and Dimes, Jay-Z
Ignore his braggadocio and focus on the emboldened line; "the greatest form of giving is anonymous to anonymous". Quite frankly, I could have done without putting up a large portion of the verse, but I’d like you to appreciate the flow. It's a really good song. Listen to it.
Anyway, what Jay-Z considers the greatest form of giving is that where the giver and the receiver are unaware of each other. In another verse (the first), he calls it the purest form of giving. I'm more inclined to consider it the purest form of giving than the greatest. I think the greatest form of giving would be giving one's life—not necessarily literally but perhaps to a cause, to a service, or a person. I think anonymous-to-anonymous giving is the purest form because it strips away many of the corrupt motivations that may prompt us to gift—you don't know the receiver so there's no expectation that they'd reciprocate the gesture and you're not giving because they gave; there is also no obligation for you to give. Also for the receiver, there is no opportunity to say "thank you" genuinely or otherwise—there is no need to posture or exaggerate how great they think the gift is. There is just a simple gift transaction between two nameless parties.
Ugh, gifts are really curious things. There are some gifts I have that I never want to lose. There are those I've lost that I'd never forget. There are those I've given that made me happy—dare I say even happier than the receiver. I'm sure you have all of these as well. You know, we could find ourselves on any side of a gift transaction at any point. It's good, if we're givers, to be honest with ourselves about our intentions. It's great, if we're receivers, to be kind in our response to receiving a gift. And we should give anonymous gifts every now and then, dear friend.
Fin.
P.S:
Handing out gifts can be quite an experience. When you gift someone an item and they say, in a certain tone, "Aww, you didn't have to", do you feel tempted to retrieve the gift? Or when you gift them a package and they go like, "all this? Just for me? Really? Are you serious? For real?", do you ever want to slap them, hahaha? On a slightly less humorous note, sometimes you can see the disappointed look on their faces when they open the gift wrap. And it breaks you a little because perhaps the gift cost you a lot—in terms of thought, time, money, or effort. You might have expected them to jump into your arms, or at least display a theatrical expression of gratitude but all you got was a subtle yet perceptible eye-roll that devolved into a make-shift smile and a muffled "thank-you". Oh well, if you've ever been underwhelmed by the response to a gift, that should prompt you to be a bit kind when you receive gifts that you consider little. Finally, I think about this sometimes: if the receiver doesn't (properly) thank you after getting the gift, you'd naturally feel less inclined to re-enact the gesture in the future. So does that mean we ultimately give gifts because of the "thank-yous" we receive? Do we? Should we?
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Write you soon, merci!
- Wolemercy